Let’s set the scene. It’s Monday morning and you’re rushing to beat the traffic because of rush hour. Riding the bus on the way to the train station, you glanced at your watch to see you’re almost an hour earlier than the usual. You felt proud but that momentary sensation left as quickly as it came because of what you saw: a hellishly long line of frustrated and sweaty passengers. It’s visual torture. All your efforts to prevent this exact scenario put in vain. As the bus inched closer to your stop, you felt your blood boiling hotter and hotter, almost bursting through your veins. The moment both your feet touched the ground, you snapped.

Few of us were born saints. Few of us were born with the composure to keep ourselves in check during these situations. Hell, even some of these saints turn to the momentarily turn to the dark side when these things happen. While not all of us have this, what everyone possesses, in turn, is the power to change ourselves or more precisely, to change how we respond.

Prevention is the best solution

We can all agree to this, right? If not, then consider this: Which is better? To create a cure for a disease that has already claim lives or to ensure that the disease never existed in the first place? When it comes to anger, I’m confident that we would rather avoid experiencing it than restraining ourselves, our feelings, our possible violent reactions spurred by it. The idea of “moderate anger” or mildly acting on it is simply absurd. It’s either you stay away from it or you go all in. Ancient philosopher Lucius Annaeus Seneca says that:

“…anger is a temporary madness, and that even when justified, we should never act on the basis of it because, though ‘other vices affect our judgment, anger affects our sanity: others come in mild attacks and grow unnoticed, but men’s minds plunge abruptly into anger. … Its intensity is in no way regulated by its origin: for it rises to the greatest heights from the most trivial beginnings.”

That trivial beginning could be the long line to the train. So what do we do to not get angry? What do I do to not get angry?

Dichotomy of Control

Let me make this clear: I am not perfect. I get angry more than I want to. Why should you listen to me, then? Treatments for wounds or sicknesses need reapplication. There are almost no instances where a one-time application does the trick. The same goes with curbing anger. Practicing once guarantees you nothing but turn it into a habit and you will find yourself more and more resistant to anger, ultimately being prone to it (most of the time).

A dichotomy is not always bad, especially when it comes to dealing with anger. In this case it is vital. Essentially, the dichotomy of control is understanding (and coming into terms) that most things like events, accidents, calamities, other people, even some functions of our bodies are beyond our control. What’s in our control are our thoughts, actions, and responses to such things. This is what we must focus on, instead of anything beyond us. And it does make sense to let go of what’s not in our control and centring on what we can. No matter how much we worry nor how hard we rage, nothing will change if we can’t control it.

Are you a slave?

Hold your horses I’m not pertaining to the complex issue of race and slavery. An even older philosopher wrote about anger that made me think twice, and I’m sure it will make you ponder, too. Epictetus wrote:

“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”

My immediate thought when I first read this was: “this person is f*cking insane”. But as I continue to ponder on it, I realized that it is true. Other people’s actions, uncomfortable situations, or whatever triggers us are just that. By removing ourselves from the equation, we get to see them as they truly are: just actions, situations, or whatever. For these to offend, we need to be in the equation to be angry.

Change your shoes

Say you’re at the brink of snapping at someone who cut in line at the train station. Before you give in to your fury, pause and ask yourself: “Why did this man cut in line?”. When you witness someone committing a wrongful act, be compassionate and correct him. Confront the source of your anger. If he or she yields and does the right thing, be happy. If he doesn’t, be happy still, knowing you’ve done the right thing. We are the first casualties of our actions as we think and do them, and therefore are affected by their nature. All this means is that this person is harming him, and what one thinks, speaks, and does are ultimately up to him.

This doesn’t always happen, though. A lot of times, we are met with aggression whenever we confront someone for his wrongful act, and it is oh so rewarding to snap back at someone because of the sense of indignation you get. You are right, he isn’t. But you don’t extinguish flames by fuelling it with gasoline. You only make it worse. Tell him what he did is wrong. He snapped? Leave him. He’s harming himself.

There are also times we are met with silence. This person can be facing a life-or-death situation or some terrible misfortune, thus his silence. Many things can silence the mind and the body, so keep an open understanding. And if this person isn’t facing any misfortune and just simply chose to ignore you? Let him. He’s harming himself.

Is there any reason to be angry?

The Stoics say there isn’t, that anger is all from within. Our impressions are what causes anger, never the external things. Part of me agrees, part of me says differently. The more I reason with the situations and with my actions, the more I agree with the Stoics that anger is self-inflicted. It’s us poisoning ourselves. It’s madness.