lovers | Jake's Little Void

Love, lust, love. No more.

Posted on May 3, 2019 by Jk Andrew

Now you’re left in the dust….or was I the one left behind?

“Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy! Oh, ohh, ohh, ohhh” Sunflower played in the background as I wore my maroon shirt and slipped on my Cortez. It’s been five months now and you’re officially my longest one. How different things have become and how much changed between us, yet we’re still together. Those nights when we warmed each other up, the kisses we shared, the times we watched films in that place in 76th , and that time we were one all seemed like a vague memory to me. Treasures I possess but can never hold again as they’re being safely kept by the past. Remembering how we once were is bittersweet. It’s my daily dose of grounding myself to reality as it reminds me how reminiscing is pointless and that the only thing worth look forward to is the future which can become my present. Our present. You’re still the greatest thing that happened to me.

I can’t shake the feeling that you’ve changed. Back then you were so eager for me. You wanted me so bad I felt your desire transcend distances to reach me. Now I barely feel anything. All that’s left is a hollow shell of what used to be. I asked why, you gave nothing and it’s eating me inside. Maybe it’s just the way things go. Honeymoon phase is over and we have to get back to reality. That dose of bliss was nirvana and the hallucination is over. “We not kids anymore” and it’s true. That void you left with all those unanswered questions is growing each day and it’s eating me slowly, though I’m learning to ignore it. But goddammit it hurts. Marcus, help me I cannot stop stabbing myself with the past! Bound me and break my arms fuck it all I cannot stop.

*Ping*, it’s you. “We really need to be smart with our choices“, you said. You’re right, we need to be smart. How you reminded me that you can and will leave me if I don’t “get my act straight” snaps me back from my night terrors because it’s a fate altogether more horrifying than any other beast or behemoth running rampant in my mind. But how will I get my act straight if everything I do is for you? You’re the only path I want to travel. Yours are the only arms I want to be enveloped with. Your eyes are the stars I want in my sky. Your smile is the only escape I want to run to. Your voice, the only tune I want to hear for eternities. Your tongue the only taste I will never get tired of, the only hing I want to be smothered and be choked by. Your warmth is the only thing I want to weather. Your body is the only one I want touch and to be one with. You. It will always be you…I think.

“We’ll see where and how far this road is taking us“, I whispered to someone in the train as I stepped out.

Back off, Cupid.

Posted on Feb 11, 2019 by Jk Andrew

It’s only three days before Valentine’s. Do you have a date? Society’s pressure is nibbling at the back of your mind even as you desperately try to keep it at bay. “I need to get work done”, you helplessly mutter before you continue your tapping onto your laptop. We both know you’re not foolish enough to think anyone’s going to buy your false confidence; you can’t even fool yourself.

You stalk your exes to see if anyone’s as desperate to try again even just for a week, even if just for a day or two. As you hover on the message button on messenger and lose every bit of self-respect you have, your squad’s group chat head pops into existence. You’ve been saved! Or so you thought. “Who you takin’ out this Valentine’s”, your heart drops as you finish. “Jake, tell me you’re taking someone out this year! It’s been forever and you’re still not dating anyone!” Your heart hits rock bottom.

“Jake, tell me you’re taking someone out this year! It’s been forever and you’re still not dating anyone!” “Jake, tell me you’re taking someone out this year! It’s been forever…” Jake, tell me you’re taking someone out this year!” Jake, tell me you’re taking someone out…” Jake, tell me..” “Jake…” “…” These words bounce back and forth between your mind and your heart as you stare aimlessly at the wall as if looking at the void face-to-face. “…do I need to take someone out?” DO you? Do you really need one? Says who? What happens if you have no one? Does it make you less human? Less of a person? Then why do you, why do they tell us we need a date? Take a step back and look at things in a new perspective (ba dum tsss). Really, Panic! At The Disco puns aside, take a step back. Where does this “need” come from? Why do we even celebrate Valentine’s day at all? Why?

WHAT VALENTINE’S

A bit of history wouldn’t hurt. “…the popular customs of showing love and affection on St. Valentine’s Day is almost a coincidence with the feast day of the saint…a common belief in England and France was that birds began to pair on Feb. 14…For this reason, the day was dedicated to “lover” and prompted the sending of letters, gifts, or other signs of affection.” “Uhmm…what did I just read“, is what you’re saying right now. “How on earth is Valentine’s day, the day of love, related to birds mating and a saint??? Saint Valentine??? “…was also arrested, condemned to death for his faith, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded on Feb. 14, AD 270. “YOU’RE NUTS, I’m not reading this any further you whackjob. I’m unfollowing this.” Be my guest. But for those of you who stayed, I understand how this all must feel. How does a beheaded saint connect to a day of love? Does it mean that this tradition was brought about by confidence? Perhaps.

SHAKE IT OFF

Shake off the thoughts of a dead saint and mating birds and instead, focus on the matter at hand. Do you need a date? Let’s see. Having no date would make you: still you, still human, still the same, nothing’s changed. Hmm, interesting. Let’s go further. “On Feb. 14, people are going out on nice, expensive dates.” So? You can go out yourself then or in any other time of the year. Mind-blowing, right? It’s all smoke and mirrors, empty desires made necessities shoved into us by society’s equally empty beliefs. You don’t have to do it just because everyone else is. If you do find ‘that’ someone, cool. Make everyday Valentine’s day for him/her, that’ll make your relationship strong. If you don’t, that’s alright too! Don’t rush a relationship because you’re pressured to having one. It’s not fair for you and for the other person.

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE, BUT NOT ALL THE TIME

So you’ve come to grips with not having a date and not forcing anything off of it. Now…what? What do you do? You discover yourself. “That’s freaking cheesy, man.” No, it’s not. Does doing things you like or doing things you’ve always wanted to do sound boring? Do what fulfills you. Love yourself! That way, you can free yourself from the insane thought that you are incomplete without someone. A lovely nightmare it may seem, it’s false. Think of all the priests, monks, nuns, and everyone else living “alone” but are genuinely happy. They exist and they’re contented. So could you. Let me make one thing clear: I’m not saying you should close your heart to love. I’m just dispelling the idea of you being dependent on someone else. You can be an independent person! You can be happy. IF and AND when the right one comes, you’ll be right and ready.