None of us want to be alone. Not you, not I, not even introverts because there is a distinction between just wanting to spend time with one’s self and being alone. We all know the phrase by John Donne from his book of the same name:

“No man is an island.” Yet only a few know it continues “No one is self-sufficient; everyone relies on others.”

But this doesn’t change the reality that there are times when we will be alone, and for some, nothing is more excruciating than being forced to contemplate on the unpleasant realities of our meaningless existence; no one is there to distract us. And yes, while we are forced to look upon the uncaring abyss every now and then, there are good things that can be found in its indifference.

Her.

She was draped in black when I first saw her, as black as the abyss. Every subsequent night glowed brighter, bit by bit. Watt by watt. There was no reason nor rhyme in my daily routine save from the constant shuffling of feet and tapping of fingers on a keyboard, in hopes of getting a job to prolong my existence as long as I could. This was my first mistake. You never depend your happiness on anyone than yourself.

Nights grew hotter and more intimate up until that one morning when she gave me the meaning to one’s life: to be one with another. I was in bliss in the abyss. Reasonably comparable to someone with an addiction, I craved it. I craved that opium, that ultimate distraction from our pitiful lives, and she, for a while, gave it, sometimes without me having to ask for it.

Then, the unthinkable. Withdrawal. Unexplained withdrawal.

Getting in touch with my emotions.

As you can imagine, such circumstance would leave anyone a wreck for a time. To paint the picture more vividly, imagine suddenly losing the most important thing in everyone’s lives. Imagine losing your smartphone. Terrifying, isn’t it? I was exposed to the entire spectrum of emotions, most of which I was unaware existed. Going through all of them one excruciating eternity after another, I saw the most hideous sides of myself I was equally unaware of as the aforementioned spectrum, and it was in my hostile environment that I matured and understood myself more. All it took was the most unpleasant experience of my life. Easy.

Contemplating ugly scenarios that can become reality.

Igradually became at peace with her absence after being submerged from all sorts of feeling. Being human, I made sense of things that were happening which ultimately led in contemplating the worst scenarios, seeing how it’s pointless to ruminate the most pleasant ones since everything is winding down to atrophy and chaos. It was natural. And of course, in my lenses, the worst had already happened; anything consequent would mean less.

Picking up where I left off after I lost control.

Fortunately I stumbled on an ancient philosophy, an old remedy for modern pains not only I face: Stoicism. This philosophy acknowledges that not everything is under our control and that we should focus on things that are, like our minds, perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors or simply, the way we approach and react to things. Stoicism encourages us to sustain the flame of happiness despite raindrops of misfortune that can and will collide with us. In my case, such raindrop was the absence. Roman philosopher-king Marcus Aurelius said:

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

What presents itself as an obstacle or misfortune is an opportunity to learn a new virtue say, understanding or patience. Because as one thing happens, we can only either complain and whine or accept and learn from it.

In my grief and sorrow, I denied myself the truth by clinging on the past instead of facing reality and moving on with my life. Having a taste of her was my breaking point. The tease. The absence. The unexplained changes. The mixed signals. They ruined me. I ruined me. I cannot lose control again because of what might happen to me. It was a mistake to think “Why happen to me? Out of all the people in this world, why me?”. This was and is a wrong attitude because from everyone else, why not you? The universe is indifferent and so should we be. This isn’t to encourage selfishness, rather, it is to encourage us to accept things as they happen because no other action makes sense.

In a world where people are becoming more and more sensitive to everything that breathes, the best course of action is to not react at everything life throws at us. Choose which ones you will dwell on and act accordingly.

“Choose not to be harmed and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed and you haven’t been.” -Marcus Aurelius